another pinterest quote

rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does

lying doesn't kill, denial does

forgetting doesn't heal, forgiveness does

he

And now where is 'he' amongst these most compelling and lovely words? 'He' left her alone in the dark.  Yet she vigorously, embraces 'his' valor.. as it tugs & pulls a bittersweet essence from her.. that she knows is lost... 'he' dove deep down to fill the spaces between, then left her empty.  But yet, 'he' still invades her dreams.

how can it be

how can it be that I can feel numb, but feel physical pain at the same time?
how can it be that I can love and hate the same thing at the same time?
how can it be that I can smile when all I want to do is cry?
how can it be that everyone tells me I'm strong when I know I'm not?

how can it be

must be...

I am not trying to see what people will say - not many people look at this blog anyway....

I am not having a pity party.

I just need to say, write, vent somewhere that I must be pretty damn stupid -

     stupid to believe
     stupid to care
     stupid to try

Is this really what the world has to offer?

... ... because right now it doesn't feel worth it.

i want to go back

Today, I want to go back to Ecuador. I want to taste the chicken and rice and buy a coke for $.20. I want to dance and sing and hear the uproar of the people as we perform. I want to ride on the bus with my friends and uncomfortably fall asleep or listen to music or chat about life. I want to feel that friendship and love and respect we had for one another. I want to fill my heart with those children and the elderly we came in contact with. I want to feel the crisp air as I flew across a canyon with Annie. I want to laugh at Chiara as she was so distraught at the parade in the middle of the night. I want to have deep conversation with Julee and chat about anything and everything with Jessica and have sword fights with Nino. I want to hold your hand and feel your arms around me and just be... gone again.

quiet sound of peace

The sidewalk is no longer spotless, a single drop darkens a spot in my path. I look up and blink as a clear droplet hits my cheek. I continue down the street listening to my little feet patter against the ground. Suddenly it's everywhere. Droplets of rain all around me, the pale concrete now gray with water. I try to cover my head at first. Epic fail. My once silky hair is now sticking to my face. My floral summer dress is soaked. I take a deep breath, open my arms and let the rain hit my face. Just a simple pleasure, that quiet sound of peace.

-Stephanie Dana

life
is
so
different
without
you...

Not What I Thought...

Sometimes you think you know something or someone with a specific certainity...
And sometimes you are dead wrong.

"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force up to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down. And as much as you care, you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful - you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

-Daniell Koepke

here i am again

dear self,

you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth a little more
tried to be softer
prettier
less needy, less alive
so you could fit his mold
but even when you were sleeping
you could feel him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love?
reach inside and steal his heart
you can't make homes out of human beings
i wish you knew that
i wish you wouldn't have placed your whole soul in his hands
i'm sorry he wants to leave
but let him leave

you are talented, terrifying
strange and exceptionally beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love

-(my version of a quote by: Warsan Shire)

soul searching

"The size of your problems is nothing compared to your ability to solve them. Don't overestimate your problems and don't underestimate yourself."

These past couple months I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching - making changes inside my own heart and mind. And these past couple days have been filled with heartache, pain and tears realizing how my insecurities and fears have hurt others. I have made mistakes, more than I'd like to admit. I am nowhere near perfect. And I know I never will be. But in this very moment - TODAY - I am starting new, starting fresh, putting my past where it belongs because I will no longer live there. I will strive to be the best me I can be... loving, honest, determined and kind in every way possible.

"The struggle you are in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."

I am sending out an apology to the world for any wrong I've done or any pain I've ever caused. I've given myself a clean slate and I hope others will give me that too.

I am putting my faith in the fact that
"Nothing in this wicked world is permanent... not even our troubles."

My new view on life is this:
"Each morning when I open my eyes, I say to myself; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow has not arrived yet. I have just one day, today and I'm going to be happy in it."

-Stephanie