8/25/14 2:00am

a therapist once told me
"one day this pain will make sense to you"

i have held on to that theory for years
and tried to believe it may be true

especially in the last 7 months

i've taken many steps to heal
to face my fears
to confront my demons
to rid myself of the pain

its never been this way
its always been about making someone else happy

maybe it's one of those
      - it gets worse before it gets better -
type of things

a year ago
i would've thought i had many deep rooted issues that i needed to deal with
now...
the number has more than doubled
seeing many different types of therapists, hypnotists, healers, etc has opened the doors of my memory
releasing much more than i feel equipped to handle
but i am told that's exactly what my mind was doing
     - handling the pain with repression -

funny how my mind represses what it feels i should not remember
and i still push things aside that maybe i shouldn't on the surface too

i've been told i started repressing certain memories and moments around the age of 3 and 4
and all the way into my adult life

as i can't sleep tonight
(like most nights)
my thoughts began to whirl around all that i've learned
wondering what truth there is to the madness
it's quite unbelievable, but at the same time
there has to be some truth in what these people, these sessions are hearing and pulling out of
my body, my mind, my heart, my soul

and how do i deal with the fact
that no one knows
or the fact that i subconsciously think there are those who did know some things
and did nothing

and when they tell me that my past experiences
cloud my judgement
cause me to push people away
make me scared to open up and let someone love me
make me want to pretend

does that mean i have never really been me
and if that's the case
who the hell am i

i am tired
i am tired of so much negativity
i am tired of loving you so god damn much
i am tired of worrying about you and your decisions
i am just tired

the walls surrounding me
began to crumble
and black clouds
rolled in above my head
my chest felt heavy
and i struggled to breathe
my heart slowed
to where i could no longer feel it
and the silence
engulfed me

my eyes fell blind
my ears deaf
my body too scared to move
the taste of evil on my tongue

as a single tear
rolls down my cheek
i watch my soul drift away

a friend told me she saw you today

and instantly i was back
sitting in a lawn chair
holding your hand
sipping on a drink
and taking pictures

i was smiling until she said
"he was with some young chick"

and instantly i was back
again
to a whole different place
to a very different scene
     where you let go of my hand
     and the pictures faded away

there is a pink and white striped towel hanging on the towel rack in my bathroom

i left it there
in case you wanted to come back and use it

i soak in a hot bath
and watch the candle flicker
turning the pink to a purple and the white to a yellow

wondering about how beginnings are almost always scary
and endings are usually sad

i close my eyes
and let the myself sink into the darkness
wishing -

     for a single moment
     of feeling like the universe isn't crushing me
   

nightmares

i can tell you
sometimes i am embarrassed to live in my own skin

to be who i am

i try to cover the scars
that i let define me

i find myself lonely
thinking no one will ever understand
the feelings that haunt me
                that feed into my nightmares