8/25/14 2:00am

a therapist once told me
"one day this pain will make sense to you"

i have held on to that theory for years
and tried to believe it may be true

especially in the last 7 months

i've taken many steps to heal
to face my fears
to confront my demons
to rid myself of the pain

its never been this way
its always been about making someone else happy

maybe it's one of those
      - it gets worse before it gets better -
type of things

a year ago
i would've thought i had many deep rooted issues that i needed to deal with
now...
the number has more than doubled
seeing many different types of therapists, hypnotists, healers, etc has opened the doors of my memory
releasing much more than i feel equipped to handle
but i am told that's exactly what my mind was doing
     - handling the pain with repression -

funny how my mind represses what it feels i should not remember
and i still push things aside that maybe i shouldn't on the surface too

i've been told i started repressing certain memories and moments around the age of 3 and 4
and all the way into my adult life

as i can't sleep tonight
(like most nights)
my thoughts began to whirl around all that i've learned
wondering what truth there is to the madness
it's quite unbelievable, but at the same time
there has to be some truth in what these people, these sessions are hearing and pulling out of
my body, my mind, my heart, my soul

and how do i deal with the fact
that no one knows
or the fact that i subconsciously think there are those who did know some things
and did nothing

and when they tell me that my past experiences
cloud my judgement
cause me to push people away
make me scared to open up and let someone love me
make me want to pretend

does that mean i have never really been me
and if that's the case
who the hell am i

i am tired
i am tired of so much negativity
i am tired of loving you so god damn much
i am tired of worrying about you and your decisions
i am just tired