Tuesday, September 9, 2014

choose hope

i've changed out of the hospital gown
back into my jeans and UofU hoodie
             i always feel cold lately
the nurse brought me to your office

i start to look around at your pictures and books
             holland-frei cancer medicine
             a young girl playing with a puppy
             john hopkins medicine
             yellow roses in a red vase
             integrative medicine
i hate waiting to hear what i already know
i take deep controlled breaths
and feel my heart slow   w  a  y     d
                                                    o
                                                    w
                                                    n

i can hear your voice outside the door
a lump forms in my throat
you walk in looking down at my file
             crisp white doctors coat
             worry lines crease your forehead
you sit across from me
and reach your hand out to touch mine
"you've got a long road ahead of you" you say
              and the whole world fades away


draped in a white lace summer dress
rocking my baby girl to sleep
i sway back and forth in front of the window
humming softly
his arms wrap around me
with such strength and meaning
his breath on my neck
and i close my eyes


the words 'tumor' and 'another surgery'
bring me back with a jolt
you tell me not to worry
           "you're going to get through this"
i smile as you walk around your desk to hug me
i stop to schedule another appointment on my way out

it's raining when i walk outside
i let the
           drops
                 drops
                       drops
hit my face and decide
                            to choose HOPE...

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