naked.

When we first met you asked me to undress

You assured me I was safe, promised to protect me from the world

I was afraid

I told you I didn’t know how

I couldn’t reach over my walls to unbutton my blouse

I am not strong enough to punch through the bricks

You said you didn’t care how hard it would be

You’d help me

No matter how thick and tall the walls were

It took a lot of effort

And I’m sorry for wasting your time

I tried to love you the best I could

Without having a heart that’s mine

I showed you who I could be

But hid who I am

I let you live inside my dreams

Believing you wanted them to come true

Because you continued to unthread the seams

You made me see what wasn’t there

As I lay next to you

Manipulating my soul to be who you craved

Through fabric and covers and scissors

Through tears and decisions and chaos

I realized you don’t care

No one ever has

No one stays once I’m bare

choose hope

i've changed out of the hospital gown
back into my jeans and UofU hoodie
             i always feel cold lately
the nurse brought me to your office

i start to look around at your pictures and books
             holland-frei cancer medicine
             a young girl playing with a puppy
             john hopkins medicine
             yellow roses in a red vase
             integrative medicine
i hate waiting to hear what i already know
i take deep controlled breaths
and feel my heart slow   w  a  y     d
                                                    o
                                                    w
                                                    n

i can hear your voice outside the door
a lump forms in my throat
you walk in looking down at my file
             crisp white doctors coat
             worry lines crease your forehead
you sit across from me
and reach your hand out to touch mine
"you've got a long road ahead of you" you say
              and the whole world fades away

draped in a white lace summer dress

rocking my baby girl to sleep

i sway back and forth in front of the window

humming softly

his arms wrap around me

with such strength and meaning

his breath on my neck

and i close my eyes

the words 'tumor' and 'another surgery'
bring me back with a jolt
you tell me not to worry
           "you're going to get through this"
i smile as you walk around your desk to hug me
i stop to schedule another appointment on my way out

it's raining when i walk outside
i let the
           drops
                 drops
                       drops
hit my face and decide
                            to choose HOPE...