i went to see one of my doctors today. it was like every other appointment... test my blood, look at my levels, adjust medications, etc. but today, after all the normal stuff, she stopped and pulled her chair right in front of me. she said she was proud of my progress and that i was working so hard to take care of myself. she told me i was worth it. these are things she has said before. i smiled at her. she then took my hands in her hands and told me i needed to realize how serious my condition was when i was hospitalized in january. she said she wasn't sure i realized how close i came to slipping into a coma and then slipping away forever. i cried as she talked about leaving my family and people who loved me behind. she said i was literally inches away from being gone forever and that too many people need me here.

as i sat in my car afterward, in tears... i began to really wonder -

if you realize how close you came to losing me? did you think about what it may have been like to get that phone call telling you i had passed? did it hit you as hard as my conversation with my doctor hit me?

can you imagine your life without me
         in any form
what would you have done
         maybe you wouldn't have been able to breathe
         or maybe a single tear would have run down your cheek
         maybe you would've cried for a few days and moved on
         or maybe you would've been surprised that it didn't hurt at all

it's a humbling experience
to be told that you were close to death

i hope to be the friend
                   the love
                   the constant
that i am meant to be

and i hope to always remember what it might be like without you
and treasure the time, the words, the thoughts i do have with you

i hope you find someone who loves you in the morning when you first wake up and your eyes can't quite focus. i hope you find someone who loves you while you're sleeping, even when you snore. i hope you find someone who loves you when you are in those moods where you make fun of everything and also loves you when you you're not in the mood for anything at all. i hope they tell you how amazing your eyes are and how your smile makes them melt every time. i hope that you feel safe in their hug. i hope you find someone who lets you know you are beautiful because of the way you laugh and how hard you work and how much you care for those you love. and i hope they ask your advice for the big things and the little things. and i hope they think of you every hour of every day. i hope that person buys you treats and drinks on their way home. i hope they ask you about work and how you're feeling and what your thoughts are. i hope they tickle and massage your hands to ease your frustrations. i hope you find someone whose kisses will make your worries fade away - even if for just a moment. i hope you find someone who holds you and protects you like the treasure you are. i hope they look for your face in a crowd. i hope they find a piece of you in everyone else they meet. i hope you find someone who lets you walk your own path, but also holds your hand and walks next to you. i hope you find someone who loves you, really loves you and makes you happy... because you deserve to be happy.

you knew all the mixed up parts of my soul
you saw the cobwebs
you saw the darkness

but you didn't understand

it was hard not to fall for you
when i thought you loved all of me
when i thought you'd fight for me

but you didn't understand

my confusion and worry
led to questioning and bitterness
and i couldn't keep my balance

but you didn't understand

i wait for you to text
because i thought you'd realize
i am waiting for you

but you still don't understand

there is one thing that i have
that you don't have

that you are disregarding
that you are walking away from

it's a voice that sings in pain and in joy
a mind that's full of images and dreams
it's a story that tells of love, heartache and lessons
a vision of beauty and kindness

it writes and sings
and laughs and dances

there is one thing that i have
that you have tossed away

i have me

remember when we used to walk to 7-11
and you made sure I was walking furthest away from traffic
and you'd hold my hand
i'd look at you and all your wonder
and you'd remind who i was
before the world told me who i should be

i keep a certain picture
tucked away in a drawer

i know it's there
i think about it almost everyday
sometimes i see it when i'm not looking for it
other times i open the drawer just to find it

we look so happy
so care-free
like we know what the future holds
and we're looking forward to it

i remember the day we took the picture
you told me that i was the one for you
that i was special
that you wanted only me
you said we'd be forever

i know i did things to test that truth
i was so afraid to believe you

and now...

everything has changed

i wish i knew
just what to say

sometimes it tears me apart
to think of you

i'm always here for you

and when you fall
if i can't catch you
i'll lie there with you
and count the stars

and if you're ever lonely
i'm here
i'm always here

i know your pain
i know your sadness
and i am willing
to help you carry it

because i once loved you

and in a way
will love you forever

and my heart breaks
to think of you

remember years ago

when you’d fall and scrape your knee

or a friend was mean to you at school

and your mom or dad would scoop you up

and hold you tight

and kiss our foreheads

making everything better

i wish a simple hug and kiss

could mend my broken heart

there is a place

where something is missing

a serious flaw

an opening

a defect

a hollowed-out place

a hole in my heart

                and it’s in the shape of you

I've been dreaming about you again

My blood boils
and the fire burns red
because I can't seem to let you go

But in the morning
I'm in an ocean of tears
because I wake up alone