i went to see one of my doctors today. it was like every other appointment... test my blood, look at my levels, adjust medications, etc. but today, after all the normal stuff, she stopped and pulled her chair right in front of me. she said she was proud of my progress and that i was working so hard to take care of myself. she told me i was worth it. these are things she has said before. i smiled at her. she then took my hands in her hands and told me i needed to realize how serious my condition was when i was hospitalized in january. she said she wasn't sure i realized how close i came to slipping into a coma and then slipping away forever. i cried as she talked about leaving my family and people who loved me behind. she said i was literally inches away from being gone forever and that too many people need me here.

as i sat in my car afterward, in tears... i began to really wonder -

if you realize how close you came to losing me? did you think about what it may have been like to get that phone call telling you i had passed? did it hit you as hard as my conversation with my doctor hit me?

can you imagine your life without me
         in any form
what would you have done
         maybe you wouldn't have been able to breathe
         or maybe a single tear would have run down your cheek
         maybe you would've cried for a few days and moved on
         or maybe you would've been surprised that it didn't hurt at all

it's a humbling experience
to be told that you were close to death

i hope to be the friend
                   the love
                   the constant
that i am meant to be

and i hope to always remember what it might be like without you
and treasure the time, the words, the thoughts i do have with you