i want to take the parts of you i love
and write them down
take a photo and tuck them in the
pages of my journal that are
               all about you

and i want to take the pieces
you hate about yourself
and stitch them next to the
             heart on my sleeve
so you realize that once upon a time
i truly loved all of you

at times i still want to explore you
walk through the forest of your mind
and know all the tidbits
that you've hid from everyone else

i want to wrap up the good parts of what we had
in my grandma's lace handkerchief
and place it in a wooden box
push it back on the top shelf of my closet
to remember

to forget

Dear Me,

I know life is a huge roller coaster for you right now. It's hard to know when you're up or down because you're concentrating so hard on not falling out. I'm sorry, love. Just remember your strength. You've been through a lot -- you'll make it through this. Remember to breathe. Concentrate on those things that make you smile. Be gentle with yourself. Although you try to hide it, remember you are also fragile. Handle with care.

Love, Me

smiling

she stands there
in a group of friends
a big smile on her face
laughing with everyone around her
she looks happy
confidant
invincible

but if you touch her
in just the right way
you'll feel her body tense
beneath your hand
with a fear she so
desperately tries to hide

or if someone says a certain thing
you can catch the pain
in her expression
all the secrets
trying to escape

but only for a moment

because she's good at smiling
she always has been
even though everyone
she's ever loved

     broke her

someone

i haven't had a night like this in a long time
a night where i've cried so much and so hard for so long
that the world no longer has sound
and my eyelids are too heavy to open

the only thing reassuring me that i'm alive
is that i can feel the pressure of my puppy
laying next to me


        i want you to feel like it is a privilege to love me
        like i only get more beautiful the longer you stare
        i want to be loved deeply
        i want you to feel like there is nothing better
                    absolutely nothing
        i want you to feel like the world would be worthless without "us"
        i want you to love me
        god, i want you to love me
        i want you to feel lucky to love me
        i want you to need me
                     every moment of every day, for the rest of forever
        i just want you to love me
        truly love me

        like i am falling in love with you


cuz the world is heartless
and there is pain and heartache at every corner

and those who love so deeply
usually get cut the deepest

and i've decided i don't need to mean something to everyone
but i do need to mean everything to someone

one of my favorite things
used to be when you'd pick me up
       like i was a doll
to place me right where you wanted me
in your arms

and you did that last night

you walked into my bedroom
over to my bed
and held me in your arms

your fingertips tickled my skin
and i could feel your chest move against mine

i let my body sink into yours
i left my eyes closed
and my breathing steadied

i think i know how i feel

i'm not yours
you're not mine

but we always will be

when my heart races
and my hands shake

when i have to close my eyes
so tears won't stream down my cheeks

when i can't catch my breath
and so many memories flash through my mind

...

i second guess
saying

  no

New Plan:

Be the ME I know I can be!