Ink Tears

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i was falling in love with you
every piece of me was becoming yours

i would have loved you
and loved you
and loved you
until i had nothing left

and then i would have
made more out of nothing

i would tear myself apart
to put you back together

but to you...
it's not worth the risk

Maybe one day I’ll make peace with my demons

And the chaos in my soul will calm

But for now the devil is constantly with me

Because he is afraid to be alone

She's much more your style than I ever was...

because of you
the words
             sorry
         and
            love
no longer have meaning

i do not believe those words

and that is all you ended up giving me

i erased every picture i had of you off my phone
and after listening one last time, i deleted the saved voice mails
i erased the text messages and finally threw away the journal i wrote in for you

the pain
the betrayal
the heart ache

you...

are gone

Do you ever see something that instantly fills your heart with red hot anger... so much that you burst into tears because you're not sure what else to do.

I let you become my happiness
And that's where I went wrong

The truth can be heartbreaking
But I'm done with the lies

I miss you.

I miss coming home to you and feeling safe in your arms.

I miss having someone help me carry groceries into the house.

I miss hearing you hum in the shower and watching you brush your teeth.

I miss making dinner with you.

I miss sitting next to you watching our favorite shows.

I miss those moments when one of us would lead the other into the bedroom…

Or when we’d just end up on the living room floor.

I miss hearing I’m the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen.

I miss the texts that said “I can’t wait to see you.”

I miss talking about the future and making plans.

I miss laughing with you… I miss hearing your laugh.

I miss looking into your eyes.

I miss spoiling you. I miss when you’d spoil me.

I miss when you wouldn’t let me get out of bed in the morning.

I miss how sometimes you’d make me late to work.

I miss being upset when you don’t do the exact right thing and then realizing I love everything about you anyway.

I miss when you’d tease me.

I miss taking walks with you.

I miss having a man who loved me so deeply, sometimes I couldn’t breathe.

I miss you.

I miss you every single moment of every single day.

God, I miss you…

And you don’t even exist.

Remember that day? When you leaned in and kissed me? The day you changed my whole world.

What about that night when we couldn’t hold back from each other any longer…

Or watching the moon and how you held me so tight because I was freezing…

Do you remember that feeling that made you come see me even though you had to sneak in?

Remember my birthday? Your birthday?

Remember watching the sunset? The promise?

I remember. I remember it all and I think about it often. I remember loving you like I’ve never loved anyone before. I remember wanting every part of you – good and bad. And I remember letting fear creep in my heart. I remember letting other people get in my head. I remember convincing myself that we weren’t right for each other.

And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for not treating you always like the rare gem you really are. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for letting you go instead of talking through my feelings.

I never meant to break your heart. I never meant to push you away. I never meant to give myself the loneliness I had before you came.

I apologize for my insecurities. I apologize for wondering if someone could make you happier than I could. I know I am difficult. I know who I am is a lot to handle.

Mostly, I am sorry that you may not know I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment spent with you.

i went to see one of my doctors today. it was like every other appointment... test my blood, look at my levels, adjust medications, etc. but today, after all the normal stuff, she stopped and pulled her chair right in front of me. she said she was proud of my progress and that i was working so hard to take care of myself. she told me i was worth it. these are things she has said before. i smiled at her. she then took my hands in her hands and told me i needed to realize how serious my condition was when i was hospitalized in january. she said she wasn't sure i realized how close i came to slipping into a coma and then slipping away forever. i cried as she talked about leaving my family and people who loved me behind. she said i was literally inches away from being gone forever and that too many people need me here.

as i sat in my car afterward, in tears... i began to really wonder -

if you realize how close you came to losing me? did you think about what it may have been like to get that phone call telling you i had passed? did it hit you as hard as my conversation with my doctor hit me?

can you imagine your life without me
         in any form
what would you have done
         maybe you wouldn't have been able to breathe
         or maybe a single tear would have run down your cheek
         maybe you would've cried for a few days and moved on
         or maybe you would've been surprised that it didn't hurt at all

it's a humbling experience
to be told that you were close to death

i hope to be the friend
                   the love
                   the constant
that i am meant to be

and i hope to always remember what it might be like without you
and treasure the time, the words, the thoughts i do have with you

i hope you find someone who loves you in the morning when you first wake up and your eyes can't quite focus. i hope you find someone who loves you while you're sleeping, even when you snore. i hope you find someone who loves you when you are in those moods where you make fun of everything and also loves you when you you're not in the mood for anything at all. i hope they tell you how amazing your eyes are and how your smile makes them melt every time. i hope that you feel safe in their hug. i hope you find someone who lets you know you are beautiful because of the way you laugh and how hard you work and how much you care for those you love. and i hope they ask your advice for the big things and the little things. and i hope they think of you every hour of every day. i hope that person buys you treats and drinks on their way home. i hope they ask you about work and how you're feeling and what your thoughts are. i hope they tickle and massage your hands to ease your frustrations. i hope you find someone whose kisses will make your worries fade away - even if for just a moment. i hope you find someone who holds you and protects you like the treasure you are. i hope they look for your face in a crowd. i hope they find a piece of you in everyone else they meet. i hope you find someone who lets you walk your own path, but also holds your hand and walks next to you. i hope you find someone who loves you, really loves you and makes you happy... because you deserve to be happy.

you knew all the mixed up parts of my soul
you saw the cobwebs
you saw the darkness

but you didn't understand

it was hard not to fall for you
when i thought you loved all of me
when i thought you'd fight for me

but you didn't understand

my confusion and worry
led to questioning and bitterness
and i couldn't keep my balance

but you didn't understand

i wait for you to text
because i thought you'd realize
i am waiting for you

but you still don't understand

there is one thing that i have
that you don't have

that you are disregarding
that you are walking away from

it's a voice that sings in pain and in joy
a mind that's full of images and dreams
it's a story that tells of love, heartache and lessons
a vision of beauty and kindness

it writes and sings
and laughs and dances

there is one thing that i have
that you have tossed away

i have me

remember when we used to walk to 7-11
and you made sure I was walking furthest away from traffic
and you'd hold my hand
i'd look at you and all your wonder
and you'd remind who i was
before the world told me who i should be

i keep a certain picture
tucked away in a drawer

i know it's there
i think about it almost everyday
sometimes i see it when i'm not looking for it
other times i open the drawer just to find it

we look so happy
so care-free
like we know what the future holds
and we're looking forward to it

i remember the day we took the picture
you told me that i was the one for you
that i was special
that you wanted only me
you said we'd be forever

i know i did things to test that truth
i was so afraid to believe you

and now...

everything has changed

i wish i knew
just what to say

sometimes it tears me apart
to think of you

i'm always here for you

and when you fall
if i can't catch you
i'll lie there with you
and count the stars

and if you're ever lonely
i'm here
i'm always here

i know your pain
i know your sadness
and i am willing
to help you carry it

because i once loved you

and in a way
will love you forever

and my heart breaks
to think of you

remember years ago

when you’d fall and scrape your knee

or a friend was mean to you at school

and your mom or dad would scoop you up

and hold you tight

and kiss our foreheads

making everything better

i wish a simple hug and kiss

could mend my broken heart

there is a place

where something is missing

a serious flaw

an opening

a defect

a hollowed-out place

a hole in my heart

                and it’s in the shape of you

I've been dreaming about you again

My blood boils
and the fire burns red
because I can't seem to let you go

But in the morning
I'm in an ocean of tears
because I wake up alone

"There's a corner of my heart that is yours. And I don't mean for now, or until I've found somebody else. I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there'll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs to only you."

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.

everyone asked about you
said they thought i'd be with you forever

wondered what happened
and told me we are meant to be



for a single moment i want to feel like the universe isn't about to crush me and my heart isn't about to explode. i would kiss you and tell you i love you and ask you to please not go.

i'm in love with you
and that includes
the darkness in your soul

i've made friends with demons
i'm familiar with the
     alleyways of hell

i know my way in
i know my way out

if you take my hand
we can find heaven together

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to feel broken anymore.

I don't want to let you go.


Through my journey of losing a man I loved with every inch of my soul, I've learned some things...


* "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" are two very different phrases.
Relationships can be passionately intense - especially at the beginning. Sometimes when the fire dies down, we begin to question, but that doesn't mean you are no longer in love.

* Just because I love him doesn't mean he loves me.
The hard part in relationships is finding the one who loves you as much as you love them.

* Sometimes I'm not as kind as I think I am.
Love brings out the best in me. Love also brings out the worst in me. I trust too easily and I put myself on the line - - so when things go wrong, I can be mean. There is no better feeling than being in love and no worse feeling than losing that love.

* My heart and mind play tricks on each other.
Emotions are misleading. My heart and my mind seem to argue a lot. And then my perception of what I wish would happen gets the better of me.

* Forever is scary, but forever is what I want.
When we decide to commit, we also decide to let go of other possibilities. Making a forever decision can be scary, but fear is part of that leap. There are so many positive things I love about him and so many possibilities that being with him allows.

* Missing him still hurts. It will always hurt. It's indefinite.
Physical pain is temporary, but emotional pain embeds itself in your heart. It may not be constant, but it comes back again and again. The worst part about missing him is knowing that I miss someone I could have spent forever with.


I've come to a point where I know I can't make it on my own.
But I find myself still wanting to be inside your hug - - even if it's not forever    

i am lines of poetry

and pieces of quotes

linked together

by song lyrics

and midnight text messages

and my tears have a tendency

to damage paper and smear the ink

but I want you to be okay

with this, with me

because my soul is brave enough

to give away pieces of my heart

to those who need it

and maybe I was never whole to begin with

-Stephanie

It's about who you miss
At 2 pm when you're busy
Not 2 am when you're lonely

i remember waiting for you that day in the park
my camera in hand
not really thinking that day was different than any other day
until you walked up to me and i couldn't quite catch my breath

i remember waiting for lunch time
watching the clock and trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach
hoping that you couldn't tell how nervous i was
and sinking into that first kiss

i remember endless nights waiting for you to text
trying to will you to want to talk to me
dreaming of a different reality
wishing you had chosen me from the start

i think a part of me
will always be waiting for you

"When connections are real, they never really die. They can be buried or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you've deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance. If you're doubtful, the just try it - go and revisit a person or place and see if there's any sense at all of the space between now and then.

If it was truly real, you'll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left - during the same year and place with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat.

Real connections live on forever."

Lying in bed
Alone

Trying to remember
How it feels
To sleep in your arms

Craving your hands
Your lips
Your touch

Trying to relive
Those moments
I felt safe

love. love makes you vulnerable. it exposes your heart and opens your chest. it allows him to reach inside and rearrange whatever he wants. you give him a piece of you and eventually... all of you. but maybe he didn't really ask for any of you. he smiles at you and makes you feel safe and suddenly you are his. your life is not your own. love takes hold on you. it gets inside you. it spreads through your whole being and then one day he tells you to promise him you'll always be friends and literally rips your heart in half. it hurts. worse than anything you've ever felt. its a soul-hurt. it gets inside you and breaks you. it changes you.

Passion

Those who know me well will tell you I’m all about passion… in every sense of the word. I want my life to be passionate. I want it to be grand and beautiful and emotional and scary and freeing. But my hell… Passion can be quite the bitch, right? And I hate that word…

Passion can change who we are. We might change just for the moment or maybe a year or sometimes it can be a permanent change. Passion can bring light and love and freedom. Passion can also bring pain, betrayal and confusion.

But passion just might be my lifeline, my path, my vision. A meaning in all the chaos that is life. The hot pink in a world of gray.

Most people hear the word passion and immediately think of two people entangled together – it’s an enticing picture. It’s like fire. It is fierce. It is also fear and insanity.

Passion is complicated. It has many meanings, many feelings. It’s essential. It’s frightening. It’s hopeless.

And as a passionately damaged person, I seem to have a passion for trying to help others who may be damaged. My mother brought this fact to my attention – I want to fix. I want to help. I want to save.

Passion is one of those emotions that can… well, ruin you.

There is a part of me that becomes attracted to being tormented. Because maybe I can save the tormentor. I can protect them. I can heal their wounds. Because they matter way more than I do.

When I see that someone doesn’t think they deserve love… I want to show them they do. I put them on a higher platform. I make them famous in my life. I make excuses for them – they really are nice, they won’t hurt me again, their heart is pure – but oddly enough, I usually know it’s a lie and it’s proven to me over and over and over.

Or maybe I like the challenge. I want to know that I can do it. I can make someone better, more deserving. If I can fix them… maybe I can be fixed too.

Or it could be the excitement I crave. The adrenaline rush. Being with them is unpredictable… will they break my heart again? I’m always walking on eggshells, waiting for them to realize I am not enough.

But in reality, I relish in the good moments. I ache to feel those brief times of peace. I wait to hear that they’ve come to their senses and have chosen me. To appreciate me. To love me. To let me lie in their arms and swim in the same passion I’ve felt for them. They’ve changed. They won’t hurt me. They know that I am the glue that holds them together, until…

Well, maybe sometimes I take the ax to the glue too… Maybe I don’t take of myself like I should. Maybe I want them to make a choice and act so much that I lay back and let it slip away. Maybe there is an evil inside of me that I chose to ignore.

You are a drug.

So many amazing nights and amazing memories

that have weaseled their way into my bloodstream.

I’m infected with this unrelenting desire.

I’m dependant on knowing if you care.

If I am beautiful in your eyes.

It feels so good to just remember the good.

Erase the bad… let the bad drift away like taking the needle out of my arm.

Become numb and only live for the highs.

Push everything else away, so I can smile at you.

Passion is dangerous.

Passion and damaged is deadly.