The most confused I ever get is when I try to convince my mind of something my heart knows is a lie...

Nothing has changed.
I'm not sure why I hoped it had.
Why would anything be different?

i remember the day we decided we were over
i remember there were no tears in your eyes
and laying next to you knowing you were leaving
feeling like my whole life was a lie

i wish i could pick up all the pieces
and carefully stitch them back together
but i can't seem to escape all the memories
both the good times & the pain i had to weather

you changed my heart, my mind, my courage
i surrounded myself with a wall of stone
a brick for each tear you let fall down my face
and a fear that without you i'll forever be alone

I tried not to think about  this
not to write about it
not to sing about
but it seems impossible

Impossible that 1 year and 6 days ago
You let me walk out of your life

just like that
There were no real goodbyes
No real reasons or apologies
It was empty
It was pain

I've been through a lot of heartache in my life

But I've never felt as broken
As small
As forgotten
As you made me feel

And then time after time
you broke my heart
My soul
My entire being
Over
   And over
          And over

Again

but still today
Trying my best to be strong
Knowing I'm not your happy

I feel the sting of guilt
The worry of hurt
And curiosity of how you are

i let tears fall
when you were right beside me

i let my body
sink into yours
so close it was like we were one

i ran my hands through your hair

i tickled your face with my fingertips

i closed my mouth
and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways

I may have broke my own heart loving you...

And I wonder if you check to see if the doors unlocked

i want to take the parts of you i love
and write them down
take a photo and tuck them in the
pages of my journal that are
               all about you

and i want to take the pieces
you hate about yourself
and stitch them next to the
             heart on my sleeve
so you realize that once upon a time
i truly loved all of you

at times i still want to explore you
walk through the forest of your mind
and know all the tidbits
that you've hid from everyone else

i want to wrap up the good parts of what we had
in my grandma's lace handkerchief
and place it in a wooden box
push it back on the top shelf of my closet
to remember

to forget

Dear Me,

I know life is a huge roller coaster for you right now. It's hard to know when you're up or down because you're concentrating so hard on not falling out. I'm sorry, love. Just remember your strength. You've been through a lot -- you'll make it through this. Remember to breathe. Concentrate on those things that make you smile. Be gentle with yourself. Although you try to hide it, remember you are also fragile. Handle with care.

Love, Me

smiling

she stands there
in a group of friends
a big smile on her face
laughing with everyone around her
she looks happy
confidant
invincible

but if you touch her
in just the right way
you'll feel her body tense
beneath your hand
with a fear she so
desperately tries to hide

or if someone says a certain thing
you can catch the pain
in her expression
all the secrets
trying to escape

but only for a moment

because she's good at smiling
she always has been
even though everyone
she's ever loved

     broke her

someone

i haven't had a night like this in a long time
a night where i've cried so much and so hard for so long
that the world no longer has sound
and my eyelids are too heavy to open

the only thing reassuring me that i'm alive
is that i can feel the pressure of my puppy
laying next to me


        i want you to feel like it is a privilege to love me
        like i only get more beautiful the longer you stare
        i want to be loved deeply
        i want you to feel like there is nothing better
                    absolutely nothing
        i want you to feel like the world would be worthless without "us"
        i want you to love me
        god, i want you to love me
        i want you to feel lucky to love me
        i want you to need me
                     every moment of every day, for the rest of forever
        i just want you to love me
        truly love me

        like i am falling in love with you


cuz the world is heartless
and there is pain and heartache at every corner

and those who love so deeply
usually get cut the deepest

and i've decided i don't need to mean something to everyone
but i do need to mean everything to someone

one of my favorite things
used to be when you'd pick me up
       like i was a doll
to place me right where you wanted me
in your arms

and you did that last night

you walked into my bedroom
over to my bed
and held me in your arms

your fingertips tickled my skin
and i could feel your chest move against mine

i let my body sink into yours
i left my eyes closed
and my breathing steadied

i think i know how i feel

i'm not yours
you're not mine

but we always will be

when my heart races
and my hands shake

when i have to close my eyes
so tears won't stream down my cheeks

when i can't catch my breath
and so many memories flash through my mind

...

i second guess
saying

  no

New Plan:

Be the ME I know I can be!

naked.

When we first met you asked me to undress

You assured me I was safe, promised to protect me from the world

I was afraid

I told you I didn’t know how

I couldn’t reach over my walls to unbutton my blouse

I am not strong enough to punch through the bricks

You said you didn’t care how hard it would be

You’d help me

No matter how thick and tall the walls were

It took a lot of effort

And I’m sorry for wasting your time

I tried to love you the best I could

Without having a heart that’s mine

I showed you who I could be

But hid who I am

I let you live inside my dreams

Believing you wanted them to come true

Because you continued to unthread the seams

You made me see what wasn’t there

As I lay next to you

Manipulating my soul to be who you craved

Through fabric and covers and scissors

Through tears and decisions and chaos

I realized you don’t care

No one ever has

No one stays once I’m bare

choose hope

i've changed out of the hospital gown
back into my jeans and UofU hoodie
             i always feel cold lately
the nurse brought me to your office

i start to look around at your pictures and books
             holland-frei cancer medicine
             a young girl playing with a puppy
             john hopkins medicine
             yellow roses in a red vase
             integrative medicine
i hate waiting to hear what i already know
i take deep controlled breaths
and feel my heart slow   w  a  y     d
                                                    o
                                                    w
                                                    n

i can hear your voice outside the door
a lump forms in my throat
you walk in looking down at my file
             crisp white doctors coat
             worry lines crease your forehead
you sit across from me
and reach your hand out to touch mine
"you've got a long road ahead of you" you say
              and the whole world fades away

draped in a white lace summer dress

rocking my baby girl to sleep

i sway back and forth in front of the window

humming softly

his arms wrap around me

with such strength and meaning

his breath on my neck

and i close my eyes

the words 'tumor' and 'another surgery'
bring me back with a jolt
you tell me not to worry
           "you're going to get through this"
i smile as you walk around your desk to hug me
i stop to schedule another appointment on my way out

it's raining when i walk outside
i let the
           drops
                 drops
                       drops
hit my face and decide
                            to choose HOPE...

8/25/14 2:00am

a therapist once told me
"one day this pain will make sense to you"

i have held on to that theory for years
and tried to believe it may be true

especially in the last 7 months

i've taken many steps to heal
to face my fears
to confront my demons
to rid myself of the pain

its never been this way
its always been about making someone else happy

maybe it's one of those
      - it gets worse before it gets better -
type of things

a year ago
i would've thought i had many deep rooted issues that i needed to deal with
now...
the number has more than doubled
seeing many different types of therapists, hypnotists, healers, etc has opened the doors of my memory
releasing much more than i feel equipped to handle
but i am told that's exactly what my mind was doing
     - handling the pain with repression -

funny how my mind represses what it feels i should not remember
and i still push things aside that maybe i shouldn't on the surface too

i've been told i started repressing certain memories and moments around the age of 3 and 4
and all the way into my adult life

as i can't sleep tonight
(like most nights)
my thoughts began to whirl around all that i've learned
wondering what truth there is to the madness
it's quite unbelievable, but at the same time
there has to be some truth in what these people, these sessions are hearing and pulling out of
my body, my mind, my heart, my soul

and how do i deal with the fact
that no one knows
or the fact that i subconsciously think there are those who did know some things
and did nothing

and when they tell me that my past experiences
cloud my judgement
cause me to push people away
make me scared to open up and let someone love me
make me want to pretend

does that mean i have never really been me
and if that's the case
who the hell am i

i am tired
i am tired of so much negativity
i am tired of loving you so god damn much
i am tired of worrying about you and your decisions
i am just tired

the walls surrounding me
began to crumble
and black clouds
rolled in above my head
my chest felt heavy
and i struggled to breathe
my heart slowed
to where i could no longer feel it
and the silence
engulfed me

my eyes fell blind
my ears deaf
my body too scared to move
the taste of evil on my tongue

as a single tear
rolls down my cheek
i watch my soul drift away

a friend told me she saw you today

and instantly i was back
sitting in a lawn chair
holding your hand
sipping on a drink
and taking pictures

i was smiling until she said
"he was with some young chick"

and instantly i was back
again
to a whole different place
to a very different scene
     where you let go of my hand
     and the pictures faded away

there is a pink and white striped towel hanging on the towel rack in my bathroom

i left it there
in case you wanted to come back and use it

i soak in a hot bath
and watch the candle flicker
turning the pink to a purple and the white to a yellow

wondering about how beginnings are almost always scary
and endings are usually sad

i close my eyes
and let the myself sink into the darkness
wishing -

     for a single moment
     of feeling like the universe isn't crushing me
   

nightmares

i can tell you
sometimes i am embarrassed to live in my own skin

to be who i am

i try to cover the scars
that i let define me

i find myself lonely
thinking no one will ever understand
the feelings that haunt me
                that feed into my nightmares

Meaningless

Meaningless

Lacking significance

Forced

Not natural or sincere

Unnecessary

Dispensable and unwanted

I sit alone staring at the moon wondering who I am…

Toying with the idea that maybe not one other person in the world is doing the exact same thing

Trying to find memories of you in the stars

Wondering if you’re dreaming tonight or if your mind is blank

As I watch the light summer breeze rustle the leaves outside

I realize that maybe it’s just easy

Maybe it’s just comfortable

To revert back to who we were – trying to blend who we are

Significant

Important in effect

Natural

In accordance with nature

Essential

Cannot live without

Bed Time

You know that time of night when you finally get to lay down. You’re exhausted. Your eyelids are heavy. Your feet ache. You wash your face, brush your teeth, slip on your comfy PJ’s and set your alarm. Your pup is already asleep at the bottom of the bed and you slide your feet under the covers - Your head hits the pillow and…

It happens.

Every question you could ever ask enters your mind

The whys and what ifs

All your mistakes replay over and over

Your wishes and wanting

All the tears

All the pain

All the… was it worth it

Who I am

What does my future hold

And suddenly you’re awake

Your subconscious

Does somersaults down the hill of your past

And your heart

Aches for the arrow of the future

Then you have to decide to back up, stand still or fly…

I am not afraid to love

I am not afraid to be all in… hand my heart over

Be passionate, intimate, the best woman I can be

But I’ll admit

I’m afraid to let someone love me

Not just anyone

You

I’m afraid to let you love me

All my mystery

All those things I hide inside

That no one has yet understood

I’m afraid I’ll fail to be who you want

You’re like the sky

And I’m just a girl holding tightly to a kite

Loving the clouds

But afraid to fly amongst them

Her heart and soul are made of poetry

Her blood runs thick with ink

She’ll write your part in her story

With the pen inside her thoughts

So many pages inside her brain

Crowding what is here, what is now

Many people have read her pages

Skipping through words and phrases

It’s been awhile since someone dug deep

And found the pages settled in dust

The ones stained with marks of pain

The ones curved with drops of tears

There are poems she turns over to hide

And poems she keeps pushing to the front

One for each moment in her memory

For each person who has come into her life

Endless stacks of paper

Ink footprints on her heart

Some with just one sentence

Some with a very major part

She writes and writes to remember where she’s been

Holding on to what has been done

Hoping to find that maybe one day

She’ll be able to write a lasting one…

Today

Friday, June 27th, 2014. 

It was supposed to be a beautiful occasion - a light pink dress, my family at my side, 2 darling children and the love of my life. A new chapter in my book. A day where all my dreams were to come true.

We connected in the winter of 2012—me and you. I can still remember how nervous I was at lunch that day. And then you kissed me...

I wish I could explain the feelings in my heart and my soul. The fear. The excitement. The hope.

Today

The sun is shining on my face
My tears glisten in the light
The warmth soothes my mind
And mends my soul

My spirit is aligned

And I am here...

Time was passing so quickly
And I was standing still
Like a humming bird
At a butterfly bush

And I was numb to it all

I just hope you never
think about anything
as much as I think about you....

(unless maybe you are thinking of me)

Let me be the one who dances in your dreams

As I unpacked each shot glass one by one

I could hear her sweet voice gently humming
While she washed them with soap and water
Her hands and feet completely wet
As she sat on the counter...

And I couldn't help but smile

I think I'll write you into my tomorrow

4 am
And I'm wide awake

My mind is awake
My heart is awake
My body is awake

I've read
I've stretched
I've taken medication
I've prayed
I've counted sheep

Now I'm wrapped in a blanket
Staring out the window
Making wishes on stars
And talking to the moon

a dream

so i had a dream last night -- it was so real. i re-lived that whole day... remember that day? the day the doctor told me that i had lost a baby... a baby. i can't believe that i was that close to being a mom once - a mom to a child that was yours -

she would've been yours, ours.

i woke with tears streaming down my face wondering if that was my chance.
my chance for the happiness i've always craved.
my chance for a life full of love and tenderness.

even the word "ours" makes my heart break all over again

to fight:

a battle 

struggle

to engage in a battle

attempt to defend

strive vigorously

     i know i fought hard and long -- with every fiber of my being.

how about you?

for such a simple Hello
it was a complicated Goodbye

Blue

i pulled the dress out of my closet

       (still on the hanger)

and twirled around in my bedroom

some soft love ballad playing in the background

the blue fabric flowing through the air

i stopped in front of the mirror and held the dress up to my body

                the smile on my face faded

                as I remembered the first time I wore this dress

                hand in hand with you

                my best friend’s wedding rehearsal

                pictures with you

                you told my mom you wanted to marry me that night

i walked back to my closet and put the dress away

       (i’ll wear something different)

Anger

Those who know me know that I am not an angry person. It is not an emotion I commonly convey and definitely never show...

But today I am angry.
In fact, for the past few days - that's all I've felt.

ANGER: a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad.

Upset or annoyed?

How about...
Infuriated, Maddened, Outraged, Irate, Livid, Furious

Like a raging fire
Like a black sky
Like a thunderstorm

Who I am becoming
Who have you turned me in to

somebody i used to know

So let's ignore the feelings
Pretend we're over it
But deep down
Know it wasn't supposed to end this way...

My memory loves you...

It asks about you all the time -

discounted

finding an item at the grocery store that expires the next day
a rack full of clothes that are all XXS or XXL
candy leftover from the last holiday
the stitching is a little off
a hole that anyone can fix
your name spelled wrong

or

our relationship

for a moment there
i saw an ounce of promise in you
but you weren't sure enough
to follow through

i just hope, for your sake
that you find it again one day
that you manage to clean the
cobwebs in your mind
and find a way
to love
    and let yourself be loved

it's something you haven't been able to do for far too long

I hope one day you get to buy all the toys and clothes and things for your house that you’ve ever wanted. I hope you wander barefoot in the summer and play in the yard with your children. I hope you smile at all the little things, like when your daughter brings you a flower and the sound of your son’s laugh. I hope you get a meaningful tattoo. I hope you learn how to do all those little things you’ve been curious about. I hope you set foot in all the places you’ve dreamed of. I hope you always sing loud and clear… always. I hope you never change who you really are… and when people bicker or talk about you, I hope that’s when you push even more to be the real you. I think you should buy a souvenir everywhere you go, so you remember those sweet moments. Stop worrying so much about what is out of your control. I hope you have the guts to tell the truth and speak up when you feel strongly about something. I hope you fall in love with SO many things… let go and FEEL! Forget about your scars – those who truly love you will love them too. Release the sunshine that is inside of you… Friend, live the life you’ve always dreamed of.

(WS)

She

She’s strong. She can be independent, but wants someone to take care of her. She is more beautiful inside than she’ll ever think she is outside. She hates taking ‘no’ for an answer and she’ll most likely never say ‘no’ to you either. When she’s told she can’t do something or be something because she’s a girl – She’ll prove you wrong every time. She loves the thrill of adventure and the safety of something constant. She’s a hopeless romantic. She loves… hard. She laughs. She cries. She pushes to make others happy.

She just is.

I stay awake in fear you may dance among the demons in my dreams...

i wander out into the cold
with no shoes and no coat
exposing my heart to the winter

the frozen grass pokes at my feet
as i make my way to the moon
so bright my tears glisten

the wind echoes in my ears
and the snowflakes leaves traces on my skin
as my lungs constrict and my breathing slows

take me as i am
love my past, my present and my future
dance with me amungst the stars

she always told me

“fall in love with moments dear”

                and I never quite knew what she meant

until tonight

it wasn’t when you leaned down

   to touch your lips to mine

it wasn’t the warmth of your body

   leaning against me

it wasn’t the feeling of safety

   wrapped in your arms

it was when your hand

gently touched my cheek

as our lips connected

and my heart skipped a beat

i fell in love with that moment

knowing

no one will ever want anything

more than I want you

As I’ve gotten older, one of the scariest things to me is being attached to someone. You turn your life upside to spend time with them. You get to know them. You find yourself knowing their favorite football team, food, types of music, color. You start to discover their flaws and get to know what they are truly good at. As time goes on, you continue to learn about them… you absorb every detail of each moment you spend with them without even knowing it. And one day you look at this person and you realize that they are your world… you realize how much they mean to you. And you realize you love all their strengths and you love all their weaknesses. They make you feel warm and secure. But most of all, they make you happy. And to bring happiness to someone in such a way is a strong and powerful thing. It literally can break a person… completely. Some argue that love is not real or that people who fall in love are trying to live a fairy tale. I say people who fall in love are brave, incredibly brave. It takes someone with intense courage to give someone else their entire heart…

Even though we knew each other once before

After so many years of not seeing you

I don’t know how you feel so familiar to me

Or why it feels less like I am getting to know you again

And more as though I am just remembering who you are

How every smile, every whisper

Brings me to the conclusion

That deep down I know you

Maybe my soul loved your soul before

In another time

A different place

Some other existence…

loving you is exhausting

every ounce of my soul loved you

i handed you my heart

and you let it fall in the dirt

pain replaced smiles

and i

   now battered and bruised

                will miss you

but I’m done waiting

Before your ship sets sail, let the water run over your feet and walk barefoot in the sand. Find a seashell that sparkles like diamonds and slip it into your pocket to remember peace and beauty. Feel the sun on your face and dance with clouds. Before your ship sets sail, be free.

in the dead heat of the desert
my heart drank the tears of your soul
and i choked on your poison
as the sand
     like tiny sharp rocks
poked at my feet
and the cactus's bit my skin

i wanted nothing more than to color myself scarlet red
so i flew over the stars of pain
and hopelessly devoted myself to you

you were bitten by the nicks of time
until you lay dead
in the eerie moment of eternity
and your blood
      thick, like molasses
watered the emeralds of the night
i felt your poison slowly flow through my veins

while your soul emptied
           drop
               by
                  drop

kisses are like salt water
and still his voice stays with me
because my heart hardly beats at all
and i cannot simplify this
i make it sad
like burnt wires

and we are not in this together
because the echoes are wrong
and there is nothing more than that
through the pathless realms of passion
i will never be brave or beautiful
and kisses will always taste like salt water

the lake looks intensely beautiful today

cold
distant
lonely

maybe angry
with the dark clouds
low on the horizon

it's cold, yet comforting
to see yourself
in the rolling waves
the pouring rain
and hard, translucent ice

strange to feel beautiful
in the depths of winter

his brows furrowed 
to show me the depth of his... 
        wanting 

his voice
strong with conviction 
       i really want to make love to you 

(my heart melts)

his strong hands on my bare back
pressing his body against me
       and his lips 

i tried to focus on his eyes
I tried to focus on his voice
        but I kept going back to his lips

even now remembering it
my body tingles
       and i feel hot

we laid there
tangled in each others arms
      and i wished i could show him 

(the passion i felt) 

and the insane craving
i have for the day 
       you can 'rock my world'

this is me trying to behave
trying to keep something just for you
       and craving your lips

Chances Are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl7LdevJ71c

You once were exactly
the poem
I wanted to write...

I still love you

If one day you love me again
I promise there is no
       safer place in the world
       than by my side

and here i am
             crying poetry
     to only a pen and a notebook
when i wish
             i could hold you
        close to me
    and call you

heart

soul

beautiful

sometimes i can't do anything
but hold you in my memory
and close my eyes to
feel your smile
or hug a fluffy pillow
to get a peace you used
to give me and
i can actually breathe how
much i miss you...

Sometimes i dream
that you crawl in my bed
in the middle of the night
and wrap your arms around me
in the darkness
whisper sweet dreams
and with a few gentle kisses
let me sleep among the angels

Tonight

Written a year ago today (1-2-13)

Sitting in sweats and an oversized t-shirt
Laughing at the moon
Entangled in your arms & your eyes meeting mine
Is this all too soon

Chorus:
Tonight you told me you loved me
Tonight you filled my heart
Tonight you promised me the world
Tonight my life will start

I just might be the luckiest girl in the world
With you by my side
I hope that we never forget these sweet moments
Feelings we can't hide

Chorus
Tonight you told me you loved me
Tonight you filled my heart
Tonight you promised me the world
Tonight my life will start

The stars are bright
And the moon is high
It's like just for us
A painted sky

Chorus
Tonight you told me you loved me
Tonight you filled my heart
Tonight you promised me the world
Tonight my life will start

i doubt sometimes whether
a quiet & un-agitated life
would have suited me -- yet i
sometimes long for it.