tonight
                   i wanted to push you away
                  but i don't really mean to
sometimes i can't find the words
because i want to be real
   and perfect at the same time

right now
all i have to work with
is the fact that i have too much to say
         all at once
and then nothing to say at all

my head
my heart is a scattered pile of thoughts
     and fears and cravings and dreams
     and this tangled up nostalgia for the
     past and, maybe, the future

i am broken and i am human
i am an unquiet mind and i am trying

and i am one girl
i am two hands
i am one heart

      one heart that is
         so glad you are here

a storm cloud rolled over my head
and started to rain
like a hose turned on inside me
running water through my veins
drowning my lungs

i couldn't breathe

the rain dripped from my hair
and poured out my eyes

my soul tried to swim
my heart beating so fast
it made waves in the water

and it was then i realized
you don't need water
to drown

sitting on the edge of my bed
i stare into my thoughts through empty air

my concentration, or lack thereof
is broken only for a moment
by my puppy shifting in her sleep
and my thoughts slowly fade
into the melodic sounds of her breathing

mixed with emotions
my mind uses them
and paints moving pictures of you
in perfect, colorful detail

the tapping of snow falling off the house
hitting my window pulls me away
i find myself staring blankly
at the dresser in front of my bed

the wind brushes against my window
carrying my thoughts away with it
my mind fills with perfect moments
as you begin to dance through my head

my eyes slowly shut
and the world drifts away

i'm left to my canvas
where i can paint whatever reality i choose

it's not who you are that holds you back...
it's who you think you're not

If you want to know where your heart is...
Look to where your mind goes when it wanders.

I wish you were here.

I've never been so scared.

when my phone rings at 2am
and he tells me his decision
that he's chosen a feeling
over his life
his love
his sister
and he needs help

Can I help
Am I strong enough

can i curl up in your arms and let the beat of your heart soothe me to sleep?
because that sounds absolutely amazing...

when you love someone
when you truly love someone
that person becomes part of you
they become your life
your everything

they change you and
inspire you in so many different ways
that are indescribable

how do you let go of someone
who has made such an impact in your life

how do you let go of the only thing
that kept you going
kept you strong

loving someone with all you have
is letting go of fear
it is growing up

because when you love someone whole-hearted
you let go of yourself

 - to live is to love -

so how do you let go of someone you truly care about

the truth is
     i don't think i can

i think no matter what happens
whether we are together or not
you are in my heart

always

please

fill my void
heal my heart
take away my pain
light up the darkness
rock my world
make me laugh
hold me tight
look in my eyes
make me believe
explore my body
trace words on my skin
tangle your fingers in my hair
wish on a star
brush your lips on mine
take me to the moon
say my name
tell me you miss me
satisfy my craving

as the year comes to an end...

With only 5 days left in 2013, I've been organizing pictures today... getting ready to put together scrapbooked memories from the year. It's incredible how a picture can bring back a memory so vivid it almost feels real. My heart would flutter at certain pictures... my eyes filled with tears... I laughed and I rolled my eyes too... Despite where I am at the moment, I had one amazing year. I am lucky and blessed to have experienced what I did, to have met certain people and spent so much time in complete happiness and bliss. -- and I am reminded that there is always something to smile about -- even if you have to look a little deeper to see it. I just hope that in all my efforts and thoughts and memories... that I did some good, that maybe I left my mark in a positive way --

One life influences another
which in turn influences another
on and on
until the soul of human experience
breathes through generations
we'll never even meet

one side of the bed is empty
every inch of our cream and tan comforter exposed
alone
single against my bedroom wall
homesick
a scarlet loneliness
yearning for the weight of your body
your movement
aching to feel you again

and just like that...

It's over...
All the preparation and celebrating...

I know I take Christmas to a level that most people don't, but it literally is my favorite time of year.
I love the sounds, the smells, the sights, the smiles... the spirit in the air.
And sometimes the day after I get sad...
Like a part of me has ended too...

But it was a beautiful Christmas
                Full of family and laughter and giving
               
And even though this year was emotional
                                        and... different

I loved every moment.

and i think about
forever
and i worry about
finality

here i sit
in constant pain
with bottles
next to my bed
and medicine spread
out in my bathroom

and i remember

the scene
of needles on a white table
and tape
alcohol prep pads
the tapping of my veins
and bandaids
and IVs

        Cancer

the enemy that takes my health
and turns my stomach
and why i haven't worked in a week

-- and part of me wonders if i'll ever get better --
because i know this is not a cure
       only a dream
       another dream that won't come true
because the doctor is my savior
and the drugs, a necessity

am i dying
because i refuse to die

is the needle
in my hand
in my veins
in my heart
in my life
     permanent?

the pills
the prescriptions
the vials of blood
the doctors appointments

       sleepless nights
       stolen breaths

-- is this my life

(forever)
      in pain
      without you

(SL)

merry christmas

i sit in the dark
gazing at the christmas tree
the warm glow
against the night
        soothes me

and even though
you are not here beside me
i close my eyes
and think of you
        merry christmas baby

in a colorful
red, white and green
package
carefully wrapped
with beautiful ribbon
i place my heart
just for you
deeper than scarlet
with more passion than music
and more ease than movement
i place my promise
dangerously eager
to give you
me...

I know I trust people
   Too easily
And fall in love
   Too hard

Or maybe it’s the beep of my phone at 2am
   Or the way you look when you smile

And I can’t help it
    When I remember your voice
    And I can feel the water in my eyes
   Trying to cleanse my soul

Sometimes I think I fall for people
     I know deep down
           Are going to leave
But I couldn’t help falling for you because
I see you
For all that you are
     (even if you don’t see it)

And I often wonder how someone
Can love the cold
      And I think maybe because
      They’ve been left in the rain
Or maybe because they are used
To leaving others standing alone

Everyday I try, I try to smile
For everyone else
      Some moments, I succeed
      Most moments, I fail

There’s always a struggle
      When there is so much I want to say
              When I ache to be able to convince you

That I’ll always be the one standing here
       Trying to protect your heart

From trusting too easily
And loving too hard

your lips, tongue, taste
       intoxicate me
    making me drunk
             with silk nostalgia
     liquid memories of you
rush from my mouth
               into my veins
    reaching my nerves
awakening all my senses
         the vague scent of your skin
  the strength of your embrace
                 playfully nibbling at your bottom lip
     fingers entangled in my hair
my emerald eyes giving way
                  to diamond tears
    sparkling down my face
melting us into a rainbow pool of
                              what we once were

(I)

craving

In the most innocent form
With the most naive intentions

I crave you

I crave to hear your voice whisper
Sweet dreams
And I crave to give you forehead kisses
And to remind you I adore you
When you need it the most

I crave you

I crave you in ways
Where I just want you near me
To feel your skin against mine

Nothing more
Nothing less

I spent a lot of time
Searching for affection
In shallow places

I gave people bits of me
They didn’t deserve
And I let myself be hurt
Because that’s what
I thought I deserved

Then I met you

It took some time
But I finally let go
I stopped trying to fit a circle
In a square hole
After some time
I let go of all that hate
I secretly felt in the depths of my being
I pushed away the pain
That decorated my heart

Because you were worth it

And in that moment
When I knew it was you
Only you that mattered
That I’d do anything for you
I loved you
God, I loved you

You draped my heart in black
Once again

And through my tears
I realized
This is what I deserve

This is what I’ve always deserved

home

The word "home" is defined as

1. A place where one lives; a residence.

a. An environment offering security and happiness.

b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin

your fingertips brushed my hand

and the world stopped

i caught my breath

and my heart flooded

with perfect moments

       

         so many perfect moments

i know your eyes

i know your smile

i know your heart

and it feels like home to me

feels like i'm back where i belong

beautiful creature

there is a place in the heart that will never be filled
a space
i know it more than ever
there is a place in the heart that will never be filled
and i will wait and wait in that space

writer

I have been writing like crazy lately and I love it and I hate it. It's the only way I can truly express myself although I often cannot find the words I am really looking for. There are so many things I'd like to do with the poems, stories, lyrics and thoughts I put on paper... But for now, I'll share them here in hopes that my confidence and determination will rise enough for me to push harder to make something of my thoughts...

ink tears

tears swell in my eyes
as ink pours from my pen

and i try to flood the paper with
sentiments in words that my
heart cannot spell

i hate black ink
because it always stains
and i despise tears
because they don't wash away
(SL)

i don't consider you my past
     you are not gone
     you are not forgotten
     you are not just a memory

i don't consider you my future
    there is no longer a plan
    no longer a dream
    no more chapters have been written

i do consider you my present
    because you live inside me
    your heart in my heart
    my smile in yours...

in the cold

We walked up to the top of a hill
And sat on a blanket
To watch the fireworks burst in the sky
I held your hand
When I saw the birds scatter from a nearby tree
All the people (you) looked up in awe
At the amazing colors
And the birds thought the world was ending

          I don't think war is noble
          And I don't like to think that love is war
          But no two birds actually share a feather
          And you left me standing in the cold

Scattered Thoughts of Something Rotting

I am thinking of cold, stone steps that so ironically comfort my frozen soul. Gazing out into the smog filled city of buildings, cars and people. I can only hear one thing, the faint hum of tires hitting the pavement. It almost sounds like a finished record still spinning on the player.

A beautiful, spacious building rises behind me gently scraping the sun. It echoes in glory. Creamy white pillars and huge wooden doors tower over the valley in a reminder of liberty.

This place, these simple stairs free my mind and heart to wander where they please. It gives them a pathway to express their every hidden emotion to the soft breeze that blows through my hair. And the smell of freshly cut grass mixed with sweat that clings so effortlessly to my sweatshirt takes my breath away. The pinks and purples and blues in the sky reach endlessly into my thoughts and I escape life for just that moment.

Life. My life.

I am thinking of pictures. Very few still memories of a person, standing next to me with his lips tightly pressed into a smile. His everyday black or red shirt and somewhat original personality is, like always, hidden beneath what he thinks others expect of him.

But I know him and he knows me. He used to search my mind and soul for answers... answers to questions I don't even know the answers to. Like a wild lion, king of prey, waiting to pounce on a ever-slowing deer. And his friendship is sacred in comparison to the passion of depth in the deep earth that is his eyes. My unblinking gaze into the moonlight and his strong hands, firmly placed on my ribs...

Ribs. Bruised to the point where I couldn't breath. I remember that day.

I am thinking about when I was fourteen years old. Eighth grade summer. That was when it all started -- or was that just when it was recognized. Hospitalized in Las Vegas for two weeks for one reason.

Him. I could not please him. I could not please myself.

I remember the first time I heard those words. They cut through my confidence like a steak knife gliding through a juicy tomato, red water gently circling around. One man, who had some unknown power over me, shattered every love I may have had for myself.

I was stabilized by nothing. I was alone. I was scared. Scared of who I was, of what I had become. Struggling for the knowledge of who I am, what I stand for. People pulling me in every direction. Love. Health. Education. Looks. Up. Down. Right. Left... I want to be alone, but not feel alone.

Nothing comforts me except pain, because I am used to it and it reminds me I'm alive. I know how to handle it, how to live with it. Even when I let go, the agony comes back and it is always worse than it was before. I see love in pain and I can't breathe anymore. I'm suffocating. Choking on the thought that maybe none of this was his fault. Maybe its always been me. For every time you hurt me...

For every time you told me I was not good enough...
I'm not like them, but I can pretend.

For every time you dumped on me.
For every time you used me.
For every time you stomped on me, leaving me torn.
For every time you made jest at my hard work and dedication.
For every time you stole me as a person.

For every time you trusted me with your secrets.
For every time you chose to accept me, even though you shouldn't have.
For every time you listened to my cries.
For every time you showed me you cared by giving me advice.

For every time you ran to me for support.
For every time I showed you the truth.
For every time you complained to me about your miserable life.
For every time I was sympathetic.
For every time I felt your sting and endured the pain.

For every time I spit on your name.
For every time I questioned your integrity.
For every time I betrayed your trust.
For every time I cursed your motives.
For every time I entangled you in a web of woe.

For every time you screwed me over.
For every time I screwed you...
I am sorry.

I can see myself as I sat on the lawn in front of your place holding that picture with both hands. I am gripping it so hard that my face turns scarlet and my hands as white as the icy snow that lines the gutters.

Salty tears stream down my face nourishing you. Forever you will be beautiful because I gave you sunshine with forgiveness and watered you with my tears. And you didn't fight for me. You never tried to wipe my tears away. I'm not even sure you noticed. And I look up at the star-lit heavens in search for reassurance from the moon, but I did not know then what burns in my heart now... You never intended to fight.

I think I always knew that. Like a garlic clove slowly decaying in my heart... I could smell it.

Am I headed for the same dead end? Is there anything I can do about anything at all? Except go back to that sunset on Friday and think deeper, deeper this time.

Think beneath the impossibilities of peace. Excoriate the memories: pain, war, tears -- of our history. Think beneath all those rules, those restrictions that pin down imagination and illuminate color. And think beneath the distinction of reality, beneath traffic and congestion and beneath the rain.

I can go back and think beneath the Saint, flaking the skin from the clove revealing its pungent core, beneath the obscurities of a sinner. Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel. Life is fire... just waiting for fuel.

Life is fire and the faint hum of tires hitting the pavement.

you are not alone

Last night I went to see "The Forgotten Carols" Michael McLean show with my cousin. I've seen it for the past maybe 10 years, except last year. It's an amazing show. Every year, my heart just bursts. The music and message is so powerful.

This year, though, was a whole different feeling for me.

First.

I was there with my cousin. This girl has always loved and accepted me no matter what was happening in my life. I felt both happy and sad to be sitting next to her. I wondered how I ever let it get to the point where we only talk every once in awhile. We've been through a lot together, her and I. Being there with her opened me up like I haven't been in 3 or 4 years. I got some things off my chest that have been heavy on my heart. I wish I could have talked to her for hours, but she had a long trip ahead of her and an adoring husband to get home to. I love her.

Second.

Michael McLean did something different this year. He wore a different wardrobe... which I noticed, but didn't think it had any significance. He mentioned at the end of the show that the clothing he was wearing was his fathers. His dad no longer remembers Michael's name, but does tell him "There's something about you I like." Michael wanted to honor his dad and let him be there with him somehow. This, of course, made me think of my own amazing father and that got some intense emotions flowing. After this, Michael talked about feeling alone and how heavy of a weight that is to carry. He said "I've never had this feeling before in all the shows I've done, but there is someone in the audience tonight that I need to share another song with." Although, I sure many people felt touched - I was sure he was speaking directly to me. I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest and I could not control my tears as he sang this song. Everyone else in the auditorium disappeared. As I closed my eyes, I could only hear him and feel my cousins arm linked in mine. Below are the lyrics to the song he sang:



You're not alone,
even tho' right now you're on your own.
You are loved in ways that can't be shown;
You're needs are known;
You're not alone

And when you cry,
You're just letting go a heartache deep inside.
So tomorrow there'll be sunshine and sky -
and love close by;
You're not alone

And I know that it's not easy,
but I know that it won't last.
'Cause one who loves you more than I
is sending blessings fast.

You're not alone,
say it one more time.
"I'm not alone."
And even when it's hard to find the words.
Your prayers are heard
You're not alone.
You're not alone.


I'm so thankful for moments like these when I can feel that someone really does love me. And alone as I may feel, truly I am not. With all the many many things I am struggling with right now, there is just as much or more beauty in my life. So in my own personal disaster, I am maintaining a clean and loving heart... and this girl right here -- will always be smiling.

... that moment

There is a moment

Between when your eyes meet mine
And a kiss
Where time stands still

 

                This is where I live now

                For 34 days, 3 hours and 37 minutes

                I’ve lived here

 

                Where the only thing

                Is the emptiness

                And the pain

 

                A moment

                So intense

                It just hangs in the air

 

                Drowning in tears

                Trying desperately to keep my heart intact

                Knowing it’s the end

 

And the only thing between us

Is anticipation
Of your lips reaching mine
… that moment

 

getting harder

life seems to just be getting harder

i am trying my very best to smile and stay positive,
but tonight was one of the hardest nights i've had in my entire life...

so much heartache
so many tears

i feel...empty
tonight

i needed someone to lean on
i needed someone to talk it through with
i needed support
i needed someone standing behind me
                            standing with me
                            standing up for me

i needed you

keep moving

She sat on the steps watching people hurry past her. No one seemed to want to buy her apples today. No one needed an apple on Christmas. She watched a woman pass in furs and the most beautiful leather boots she’d ever seen. She looked down at the holes in her boots and tried to imagine what they used to look like when they were new. She lifted a single rose to her face wanting to feel the soft petals on her cheek, but it was too cold… her skin felt frozen. She thought maybe she’d stay there until her entire body froze. No one would notice anyway. She lifted her gaze to the night sky and saw a falling star. Her grandma used to tell her that a falling star meant a soul had just reached heaven. She closed her eyes and saw her grandma’s face. They both smiled. She felt her grandma’s warm hand on her cheek, “Get up my love.” She opened her eyes, took a deep breath and rose to her feet. Keep moving, she told herself, just keep moving.

you chose

Amazing read! After I was done reading this, I felt a little like a failure, but I also felt hope in my heart.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=1009&sid=27845993#EhvDXjxlyPD38cu0.01

today

a night at the grand america
    i gave it away

a gift certificate for dinner at the melting pot
    i guess i'll save it for another time

chocolate covered strawberries and your favorite drink while soaking in the hot tub

room service

singing the song i wrote

and the outfit... sigh
    i'll give that away too

a fairy tale night
and that's all it turned out to be
a fairy tale that didn't come true

Puzzle Pieces By: Sara Couter

Why is it surprising that sometimes people fade or crash out of our lives as subtly or extraordinarily as they came in?

Why does it feel such a weighty idea that human beings cross our paths with a purpose, and when that purpose is served, our paths often divide?

I spent yesterday with my mom, my most favorite person on the face of the earth.

I made us lunch and we sat, chatting. She told me stories and I listened, feet curled beneath me, watching her smile, hearing her joy. It’s pretty rad to be grown up and able to hear stories from my mom like I’d hear from a girlfriend—and to learn the details of encounters and experiences that I vaguely remember from when I was a child and understand them with an adult mind.

She was telling about a relationship she had and we spent the better part of an hour reminiscing on a particular person. Over the phone the next morning, we revisited the conversation.

What we kept dancing on was a familiar topic, one that we have discussed many times and one that many great speakers, authors, philosophers and the like have delved into. Relationships—people—why things sometimes end.

What is it about forever that makes us cling, cling like fuzz to fabric and children to parents’ legs?

What is it about the concept that turns us into fools, seeing an end, a destination, rather than a journey? What’s so wrong with meeting someone, learning from them and they from you, and then parting ways?

It goes against our romantic grain, that’s what’s wrong with it. But the truth is there’s nothing wrong with the idea, what needs shifting is our perspective. Forever definitely happens, there are plenty of people who meet and know one another forever. Sometimes people mate for life, and there are real life “best friends forever.” But just as magical as those unions are the ones that are fleeting…like bursts of lights, meteors of human interaction. Relationships that last months, or even years, and which turn over unfathomable marvels and truths.

Connections that offer us solace, guidance, insight, safety, challenge and growth.
Partnerships can lift us up higher than we could have climbed on our own, sometimes they serve as a crutch, always they teach us about ourselves. But what the fairytales didn’t tell us as little kids is that “happily ever after” is not the only way.

What if I said that tomorrow you would meet the most exquisite human being you’ve ever met, and that you’d know them for eight months, create incredible memories, forge a beautiful bond, and then you would go your separate ways…how would you feel? Probably pretty wounded. Not even having had this experience yet, you might feel disappointment…set up for let down. You might feel afraid to even have this relationship at all. Or, perhaps you’d feel the opposite. Maybe we’d feel a tinge of relief, just knowing it’s not “forever.” Knowing you’re meant to take careful note of the lessons learned in this experience, and carry them with you into your future, with or without this other person.

The truth is, sometimes relationships end. Romances end; the candle burns down or the flame blows out.

Sometimes friendships unravel; the threads fray and get woven in elsewhere. Now and again we lose people we don’t want to lose. Sometimes we part ways mutually. Occasionally we do the leaving. Family members, friends, lovers, spouses…of the myriad of human connections we both build and are born into, only some last forever. And that’s how it’s supposed to be. Not every romance should last forever. If they did we’d all still be with our first love and, for many of us, our personal development would be significantly stunted by having missed out on all of the mistakes and masterpieces that were meant to follow.

We hurt so that we can grow.

The human body is an expert at healing and regenerating. As is the spirit. As is the heart. As is the mind. We fall in love on a daily basis…with people, sunsets, flavors, feelings, experiences. These little bursts of love are often topped the very next day, when we meet another person, see another sunset, taste another flavor…but does that take any of the brilliance from yesterday’s love? No.
Does meeting a new friend take away any of the meaning in a friendship you shared with someone ten years ago? No. Does getting remarried negate the passion and promise that you took into your first wedding? Of course not.

I’m not saying everything is meant to end. I’m a romantic and that’s a terribly pessimistic view. What I’m saying is that, at 25, I’m beginning to wrap my brain around the fact that some things are meant to end. It won’t always be signaled by smoke and flames, either, which can be the hardest part. A friend you’ve grown away from, no fights or toxicity, just a heavy sense that there’s no longer a common light by which to warm your palms. A lover who you know, deep down, is only really a ship in the night. Two souls on very different journeys, hunkered together in a pocket of warmth to weather a blissful little storm, before heading off on opposite paths.

There’s something deeply freeing about the admission that this is life. This is reality. Many of our greatest loves in life are old flames, childhood friends, pets, people to whom we are inexplicably tied for life.

I feel like I keep going in circles trying to explain this, but I guess the bottom line is idealized relationships don’t exist. Real relationships exist. Human beings share interactions for a reason and they end when they’re meant to end. The issue arises when we can’t let go, when we can’t accept that everything happened perfectly, divinely.

The only problem lies in the resistance that our beautiful, fragile, exquisite human hearts bring to the table…our unwillingness to surrender. Surrender to the Divine, to fate, to “what’s meant to be.” Why do we fight it? I don’t know why. I don’t know why I fight it. Because I can say, without a shred of doubt, that some of the greatest people I have ever known, and some of the greatest lessons I have ever learned, now live in perfectly suspended memories.

The relationships have gone on into space, circulating around, their magical little particles separating and recycling into new relationships between other human beings.

Sometimes no tangible person, no relationship right in front of you, can fill you with the same certainty as a memory; as the revisiting in your mind’s eye of experience long since had. When time is no barrier and your vision is crystal clear. When you can see a person’s purpose in your life, why your paths intersected, why their chapter overlapped with yours…when you can identify the authenticity and clarity you gathered from having been you while they were them, from having been those two people in that time, together…that’s when the sighing value sinks in. The moment when you know the puzzle of your life fits perfectly today for having spilled out and sorted your pieces then.

missing her

i sat looking out into the night and listening to the silence that is snow. the warm glow of the Christmas tree reflected in the window. in my mind, i hear your laughter and can feel your hand on my shoulder. my heart lifts and i start to feel warm. i know you're there... watching the silence with me.

promises

i made some promises
and i've worked hard to keep them
      that's all i can do for you now

'always be my friend' you asked
then threw me away like nothing
standing alone in the cold
     like i am used to
     but never expected from you

'dig deep and let go'
this promise is against my very soul
i feel
i love
and i don't turn my back on people
i'll be there for anyone who needs me
this does not make me a bad person
this does not mean i cannot love someone else
i dug deep
i'm over what you were asking me to get over
but i'm not the type to let go
and i won't let you go either

how can a girl believe in herself
when no one else does
how can someone respect themselves
when no one else does
       especially when the person who means the most doesn't

i made some promises
and i've done my best

i've tried to find it in my heart
to believe things happen for a reason
to hope that you did actually once care
to wish that you would've taken that road with me
      to be the hero i thought you were
      to actually fight for me the way you promised to
     
you made some promises too
and you broke every single one of them