and i think about
forever
and i worry about
finality

here i sit
in constant pain
with bottles
next to my bed
and medicine spread
out in my bathroom

and i remember

the scene
of needles on a white table
and tape
alcohol prep pads
the tapping of my veins
and bandaids
and IVs

        Cancer

the enemy that takes my health
and turns my stomach
and why i haven't worked in a week

-- and part of me wonders if i'll ever get better --
because i know this is not a cure
       only a dream
       another dream that won't come true
because the doctor is my savior
and the drugs, a necessity

am i dying
because i refuse to die

is the needle
in my hand
in my veins
in my heart
in my life
     permanent?

the pills
the prescriptions
the vials of blood
the doctors appointments

       sleepless nights
       stolen breaths

-- is this my life

(forever)
      in pain
      without you

(SL)